becoming homeless
Feb. 20th, 2024 02:41 amon june 10 2019 i moved back into the house i grew up in. i have a complicated history with that house. most of my family does. for awhile it felt like mine. never "officially" but i rented it from my uncle after my grandma died and despite him technically being my landlord i had all the privileges of a homeowner without much of the financial stress. my uncle wasn't a bad landlord but he would overlook repairs he didn't think were important or that he deemed too costly and focus on things that were unnecessary and ultimately more costly. he bought the house from my grandma sometime around 2004 and she passed in 2012 so she dealt with some of the same issues. around 2018 i had a pretty severe mental breakdown and thought moving out of the house would be the best thing for me. in a lot of ways i was right but i went about it in a totally unprepared way. the way that someone just packs up and moves to a new city or state hoping to escape from all their old problems.
i ended up having an episode during the moving process and going into the hospital. my partner at the time could not have been more supportive. i took it for granted at the time and that would remain the case throughout our relationship until june 10 2019 when she had enough and i was on my way back to the house with my dog in the passenger seat, realizing how bad i'd fucked up. realizing that i had just begun the journey i knew had been coming but that i had been fighting. i was going to have to learn to become self sufficient and love myself or die trying.
moving back in with my family was as easy as it was difficult. my mom has always longed for having both of her kids under one roof and everyone getting along. for awhile, we had that. i was not in the best mindset when i showed up and that's putting it mildly. the basement was still in disarray from when i had moved. there was a futon down there that my mom had gotten while i lived in belvidere in case i ever wanted to stay the night. i had a makeshift room already in place. in a way it was my backup plan because over time i knew she was growing tired of my selfishness and it still wasn't enough for me to change.
i remember sitting on the edge of the futon that night, shaking and crying. every happy memory strangling me until i couldn't breathe as i struggled to grip the reality of how i got where i was. how quickly it all came to an end. how powerless i felt. as much as my mind would default to telling myself i wanted to die, all i really wanted was to press rewind and do it over but i couldn't.
the rest of the month felt all felt like a 48 hour period. moving my stuff back to the house was a complete blur. by july 1st i had started another relationship. more on that in another post. by the end of october i was single again and by the end of november i was back in the hospital. despite the fact i had just gotten out of another relationship my ex showed up to comfort me and help me out like she had all the other times in the past. i hate that it had become a routine for us but i'd be lying if i said it didn't make me feel comfort. for better or worse, i avoid the ER and psych ward at all costs because i know once i'm there she won't be visiting. i went to the ER in feb 2022 and when they verified her number as an emergency contact i started crying and had them remove it.
i stayed in the basement at the house from june 10 2019 until july 31 2022 when i left in handcuffs. that is when i actually became homeless. during my time in the basement i was able to transform it from a complete mess to a mini apartment. i had a bathroom, workout area, room to dance, an office, space to make music. i was able to grow a lot as a person and begin the steps on the path to truly loving myself. my relationship with my family was growing increasingly hostile, mostly with my brother. all i'll say about that is i wasn't the only one in the house struggling with the issues related to my brother and his habits. he isn't an easy person to live with or be around and i'm sure it's not easy being him either.
throughout 2022 i had an impacted wisdom tooth that was pushing against 3 other teeth and causing me extreme pain. going to the ER for it got no results. in march i scheduled a surgery consult scheduled for september and the surgery itself happened in november. by july my left temple constantly felt like it was going to explode from the pressure the tooth was causing. i also had one above it that was giving me issues. i couldn't lay on my left side at all and my the entire right side of my body was sore from only sleeping in one position for months. i'd get lucky and have a few weeks of little to no pain before something would trigger it and i'd be in agony once again.
i remember watching summerslam 2022 with my mom. after it was over i went downstairs to try and sleep. i remember taking hydroxyzine and ibuprofen and sleeping poorly. around 5:30 AM my brother was blasting his TV and cackling loud and i yelled a few times for him to shut up and turn it down. he either didn't hear me or ignored it and kept it up. i remember dozing back off briefly just to get jolted back awake by the noise and i got up in a fit of rage and stormed up the stairs. i kicked his door open and snapped on him. i began screaming at him until he got out of bed. my mom and step dad got up shortly after. at some point we were up in each other's faces and i slapped him. he tackled me into the door of the oven and then down onto the floor while we brawled. i grabbed his hair and kneed him in the head a couple times until he got up off me then he grabbed his phone and called the cops. a calm came over me as he was doing it because i knew it was over. i didn't know where i was going after this but i knew it was finally done. i couldn't bring myself to come up with a solid plan for my future but the universe had one in mind for me.
i used to sit in my office area and envision what having my own house and property would be like. sometimes i'd find myself getting excited knowing i was capable of achieving it. other times i'd get overwhelmed by all the expenses that go into owning a home and would debate on a trailer or an apartment. i remember vividly picturing a 2 bedroom apartment and having the gut feeling i'd have it sooner than i could imagine but would have to learn to deal with certain things that (at the time) i felt i couldn't. specifically things like having carpet and neighbors who smoke indoors. my house had pretty old and nasty carpet for years. getting it out improved my mental health greatly and i always swore i wouldn't go back to carpet.
i went to jail and was put in the psych section. it was a blessing in disguise because in sept 2021 i was at a low point and i called my old TIP court counselor Kevin to see if there was any possible way i could get back in to see him. he told me he was still with TIP but had a new position and unfortunately i wouldn't be able to see him as a patient. he gave me info on someone i could see instead. i wrote the info down but didn't follow through. i had been sick with stomach issues and dehydration while in jail and i was unable to have my glasses so i couldn't see. i woke up to a familiar voice and it was Kevin. i got to talk to him briefly. even though everything was blurry and not how i pictured it. i still got to see him again. i still got to give him a rundown of some things that were bothering me and get his advice and get validation that he still remembered me. it gave me a calm feeling that everything would be okay.
i had fallen into a bad trap of stress eating. combined with smoking weed much more than i ever had. i was getting sick regularly and having 2-4 day periods of non stop puking and shitting. the ER diagnosed it as cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome. i went through it in jail and it would hit me again aug 21 2022 for (hopefully) the last time. i got dropped off at the ER and spent around 7 hours in the waiting room before getting called into the back. one i got to the back i was dozing on and off and heard my nurse come in. i didn't have my glasses on and she had introduced herself but i didn't pay much attention. she kept asking me different questions and everything felt really familiar and i just let everything that was bothering me pour out as she sat and listened. her shift ended while i was still there and she came in to say bye and let me know another nurse was taking over. it finally hit me that she taught one of my TIP court classes and would also regularly come to the house to talk to my mom for some non TIP court treatment my mom was receiving. so she knew me and my family dynamic very well but never acknowledged it to me, just listened. when it finally hit me, i still didn't have my glasses on, i asked if it was her and she said yes. she grabbed my big toe and shook it gently and told me she hoped i felt better. i am so grateful our paths crossed that night.
the night was timed perfectly despite me being so sick and uncomfortable. i was bouncing back and forth between a couple houses and because of schedules i had to leave the one i was at saturday night/sunday when i got sick. the friend i was staying with on sunday nights went to work early in the morning on monday. i was able to get a ride from him to the hospital and then get a ride to his house the next morning from my other friend as he came back from picking up his daughter. as much as it was a bit of a hassle for everyone involved it still flowed as perfect as it could have.
i eventually stopped bouncing back and forth and would stay on one couch until mid november. my uncle Russ passed away september 26 and by the week before thanksgiving i had sold my dad's ford torino and moved into a motel 6 for a week. the week of thanksgiving i moved into my apartment. i remember walking in and seeing the carpet and immediately not caring like i thought i would. i've learned to like my apartment despite not having the wood floors i thought i needed. i don't mind cleaning the vinyl in my kitchen and bathroom and i don't mind keeping my carpet nice. i'm grateful for my space. i'm grateful for everything it has provided me and how the good outweighs the bad.
i continue to trust the process. even when i find myself growing impatient because things i feel i supposedly want in the moment aren't here. i look at where i am now and it's not lost on me what it took to get here. it's also not lost on me what it will take to keep what i was given by the universe and to never lose the appreciation i have.
i ended up having an episode during the moving process and going into the hospital. my partner at the time could not have been more supportive. i took it for granted at the time and that would remain the case throughout our relationship until june 10 2019 when she had enough and i was on my way back to the house with my dog in the passenger seat, realizing how bad i'd fucked up. realizing that i had just begun the journey i knew had been coming but that i had been fighting. i was going to have to learn to become self sufficient and love myself or die trying.
moving back in with my family was as easy as it was difficult. my mom has always longed for having both of her kids under one roof and everyone getting along. for awhile, we had that. i was not in the best mindset when i showed up and that's putting it mildly. the basement was still in disarray from when i had moved. there was a futon down there that my mom had gotten while i lived in belvidere in case i ever wanted to stay the night. i had a makeshift room already in place. in a way it was my backup plan because over time i knew she was growing tired of my selfishness and it still wasn't enough for me to change.
i remember sitting on the edge of the futon that night, shaking and crying. every happy memory strangling me until i couldn't breathe as i struggled to grip the reality of how i got where i was. how quickly it all came to an end. how powerless i felt. as much as my mind would default to telling myself i wanted to die, all i really wanted was to press rewind and do it over but i couldn't.
the rest of the month felt all felt like a 48 hour period. moving my stuff back to the house was a complete blur. by july 1st i had started another relationship. more on that in another post. by the end of october i was single again and by the end of november i was back in the hospital. despite the fact i had just gotten out of another relationship my ex showed up to comfort me and help me out like she had all the other times in the past. i hate that it had become a routine for us but i'd be lying if i said it didn't make me feel comfort. for better or worse, i avoid the ER and psych ward at all costs because i know once i'm there she won't be visiting. i went to the ER in feb 2022 and when they verified her number as an emergency contact i started crying and had them remove it.
i stayed in the basement at the house from june 10 2019 until july 31 2022 when i left in handcuffs. that is when i actually became homeless. during my time in the basement i was able to transform it from a complete mess to a mini apartment. i had a bathroom, workout area, room to dance, an office, space to make music. i was able to grow a lot as a person and begin the steps on the path to truly loving myself. my relationship with my family was growing increasingly hostile, mostly with my brother. all i'll say about that is i wasn't the only one in the house struggling with the issues related to my brother and his habits. he isn't an easy person to live with or be around and i'm sure it's not easy being him either.
throughout 2022 i had an impacted wisdom tooth that was pushing against 3 other teeth and causing me extreme pain. going to the ER for it got no results. in march i scheduled a surgery consult scheduled for september and the surgery itself happened in november. by july my left temple constantly felt like it was going to explode from the pressure the tooth was causing. i also had one above it that was giving me issues. i couldn't lay on my left side at all and my the entire right side of my body was sore from only sleeping in one position for months. i'd get lucky and have a few weeks of little to no pain before something would trigger it and i'd be in agony once again.
i remember watching summerslam 2022 with my mom. after it was over i went downstairs to try and sleep. i remember taking hydroxyzine and ibuprofen and sleeping poorly. around 5:30 AM my brother was blasting his TV and cackling loud and i yelled a few times for him to shut up and turn it down. he either didn't hear me or ignored it and kept it up. i remember dozing back off briefly just to get jolted back awake by the noise and i got up in a fit of rage and stormed up the stairs. i kicked his door open and snapped on him. i began screaming at him until he got out of bed. my mom and step dad got up shortly after. at some point we were up in each other's faces and i slapped him. he tackled me into the door of the oven and then down onto the floor while we brawled. i grabbed his hair and kneed him in the head a couple times until he got up off me then he grabbed his phone and called the cops. a calm came over me as he was doing it because i knew it was over. i didn't know where i was going after this but i knew it was finally done. i couldn't bring myself to come up with a solid plan for my future but the universe had one in mind for me.
i used to sit in my office area and envision what having my own house and property would be like. sometimes i'd find myself getting excited knowing i was capable of achieving it. other times i'd get overwhelmed by all the expenses that go into owning a home and would debate on a trailer or an apartment. i remember vividly picturing a 2 bedroom apartment and having the gut feeling i'd have it sooner than i could imagine but would have to learn to deal with certain things that (at the time) i felt i couldn't. specifically things like having carpet and neighbors who smoke indoors. my house had pretty old and nasty carpet for years. getting it out improved my mental health greatly and i always swore i wouldn't go back to carpet.
i went to jail and was put in the psych section. it was a blessing in disguise because in sept 2021 i was at a low point and i called my old TIP court counselor Kevin to see if there was any possible way i could get back in to see him. he told me he was still with TIP but had a new position and unfortunately i wouldn't be able to see him as a patient. he gave me info on someone i could see instead. i wrote the info down but didn't follow through. i had been sick with stomach issues and dehydration while in jail and i was unable to have my glasses so i couldn't see. i woke up to a familiar voice and it was Kevin. i got to talk to him briefly. even though everything was blurry and not how i pictured it. i still got to see him again. i still got to give him a rundown of some things that were bothering me and get his advice and get validation that he still remembered me. it gave me a calm feeling that everything would be okay.
i had fallen into a bad trap of stress eating. combined with smoking weed much more than i ever had. i was getting sick regularly and having 2-4 day periods of non stop puking and shitting. the ER diagnosed it as cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome. i went through it in jail and it would hit me again aug 21 2022 for (hopefully) the last time. i got dropped off at the ER and spent around 7 hours in the waiting room before getting called into the back. one i got to the back i was dozing on and off and heard my nurse come in. i didn't have my glasses on and she had introduced herself but i didn't pay much attention. she kept asking me different questions and everything felt really familiar and i just let everything that was bothering me pour out as she sat and listened. her shift ended while i was still there and she came in to say bye and let me know another nurse was taking over. it finally hit me that she taught one of my TIP court classes and would also regularly come to the house to talk to my mom for some non TIP court treatment my mom was receiving. so she knew me and my family dynamic very well but never acknowledged it to me, just listened. when it finally hit me, i still didn't have my glasses on, i asked if it was her and she said yes. she grabbed my big toe and shook it gently and told me she hoped i felt better. i am so grateful our paths crossed that night.
the night was timed perfectly despite me being so sick and uncomfortable. i was bouncing back and forth between a couple houses and because of schedules i had to leave the one i was at saturday night/sunday when i got sick. the friend i was staying with on sunday nights went to work early in the morning on monday. i was able to get a ride from him to the hospital and then get a ride to his house the next morning from my other friend as he came back from picking up his daughter. as much as it was a bit of a hassle for everyone involved it still flowed as perfect as it could have.
i eventually stopped bouncing back and forth and would stay on one couch until mid november. my uncle Russ passed away september 26 and by the week before thanksgiving i had sold my dad's ford torino and moved into a motel 6 for a week. the week of thanksgiving i moved into my apartment. i remember walking in and seeing the carpet and immediately not caring like i thought i would. i've learned to like my apartment despite not having the wood floors i thought i needed. i don't mind cleaning the vinyl in my kitchen and bathroom and i don't mind keeping my carpet nice. i'm grateful for my space. i'm grateful for everything it has provided me and how the good outweighs the bad.
i continue to trust the process. even when i find myself growing impatient because things i feel i supposedly want in the moment aren't here. i look at where i am now and it's not lost on me what it took to get here. it's also not lost on me what it will take to keep what i was given by the universe and to never lose the appreciation i have.
