s̶c̶o̶t̶t̶ ̶g̶a̶l̶v̶i̶n̶

i did an open mic on january 22nd at the first place I ever got on stage. it went okay. i hadn't performed for a year and a half and had not performed regularly since 2022. i was hoping to feel reinvigorated and jump right back into where i left off. instead, i remembered why i hate sitting through comedy shows these days. i was also reminded that performing doesn't do it for me anymore. the rush of performing doesn't hit like it used to. i think one of the biggest factors is that i don't drink anymore. upon reflection of the last 15 years, it seems i enjoyed an excuse to get drunk. i've only drank a handful of times since 2022. it doesn't hit like it used to either. the few times i've decided to "give it a try" just ended with me having a headache or going to bed early. i'm happy that i don't drink anymore. i hated the drunk version of myself. i ruined a lot by drinking, made a lot of shitty choices. i've driven a lot of good people out of my life because of not getting on medicine sooner. i'm at a point where i have an opportunity to "start over" so to speak and as much as i try to fit comedy in there it doesn't seem to have a place anymore.

i don't know who i am without comedy. i gave too much of myself to it when i should have worried about stability and things in my personal life. i put it before everything and until i ended up homeless it was the biggest priority in my life. i left my last job because i thought i wanted to put comedy first and it turned out to be a massive mistake.

when quitting a gas station is one of the bigger mistakes made in one's life it comes time to really prioritize things. i've not taken my work history serious for so long that my resume is complete trash. i still live with regret over quitting a job that was perfect for me. i've gotten nowhere with the applications i've put in.

my prostate still hurts daily. i have to piss constantly. it's severely affected my day to day life. i gained back the weight i lost. i am in pain for days following exercise. it has taken a toll on me mentally but i'm now to the point where i accept it and have learned to deal with it.

i am happy that i did the open mic. it was nice to see some people i hadn't seen for over a year. as far as my performance, i was happy with it. it wasn't good but it was nowhere near as bad as i was expecting. my timing was way off but i remembered my material. i tossed around the idea of going back in february but didn't end up going. i may go back in march. some days i feel determined to make it work. other days (like today) i feel like it's best to leave it all in the past.

i'm not homeless, i'm not hungry, i'm doing better mentally than i have in years. maybe ever. as much as there are things i'd like to change, i've learned not to dwell on them to the point of self sabotage or giving up entirely. i am grateful and i look forward to the future.

i had an appt with a urologist in december, he put me on some new medicine because i'm still dealing with prostatitis symptoms. i do feel better than i did when it got diagnosed but lately the pain and discomfort has been increasing again. i didn't really expect to be dealing with these kind of problems at my age but i'm also not necessarily young anymore. i've had recurring pain in my groin area since i was like 18 or 19. my doctors over the years have just given me antibiotics for it. i have that type of pain along with pain in my lower back and prostate area. i have a follow up appt a couple days after my birthday. i'm not sure what my other options are, if any. i'm just grateful the pain isn't like it was in august and september.

i've been seeing a counselor since september. it's been a big help for me to talk to someone again. i'm also happy that i got back on meds, for the most part. i've gained a lot of weight in the last few months. i don't think it's necessarily from the meds and i was pretty underweight for awhile. despite the pain, i need to exercise more. i could also eat better foods and not stress eat.

overall life is okay. i'm grateful to have a place to stay. i look forward to working toward goals that i have.

in my last 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 post i talked about how 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴.wtf brings me back to making websites in my teenage years. it also takes me back to my childhood when i would make compilations of silly things on my portable cassette recorder. whether it be just noise, an attempt at music or just straight up recording things off tv or radio. i had a blast doing it. it took me awhile to realize the similarity. it was during a time where i was still happy. i had a tape recorder identical to the one pictured below.



in junior high my friend dane and i would use my recorder to make the stupidest shit we could come up with and called ourselves assanine. we were heavily inspired by the slipknot song killers are quiet.

in high school i was in a "band" with a few friends. i use the term band lightly because we sucked. i never claimed to be much of a vocalist but that's what i was tasked with doing. we never played any gigs (thankfully) and our practices usually devolved into just hanging out more than taking our band seriously. we never found a suitable drummer nor did we progress beyond some green day and blink 182 covers.

𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 brings out my inner child and allows me to once again record myself being an idiot and/or making some attempt at creating something close to music.

i went to the emergency room at the beginning of september because i had gradually increasing pain for about 2 months. i ended up getting diagnosed with acute prostatitis and given 6 weeks of antibiotics. the pain had been getting worse and i thought maybe because i wasn't as active as i was used to at my old job. i applied for some jobs and started one on the first of september. it required minimal lifting and one day of it made my pain increase significantly. it constantly hurt around my tailbone area and felt like i was sitting on a golfball. i've finished the antibiotics but some of the pain still remains. i have a follow-up appointment with a urologist in december. being consistently in pain or uncomfortable at best has had a pretty negative impact on my mental health. it was what pushed me to finally get back on some meds after 5 years of not being on anything but atarax. i hope to get some sort of resolution at the urologist cause this has been a pretty miserable month.

i got my first job in 2004 at age 18. it was a medical records clerk job at crusader clinic. i'll write more about that specifically some other time as it ties in heavily to the chain of events that lead me to getting diagnosed in 2007. i bring it up for this post because it was during this period that i first started giving thought to doing stand-up comedy.

i started the job as a temp but got hired in after a few months once a dental records clerk position opened up. i would spend the morning doing dental records and go up to medical in the afternoon and help out. i essentially had my own office where the dental records were kept and i would get to listen to whatever i wanted. after i got burned out on listening to shit like kelly clarkson, chevelle and john mayer on repeat i decided to listen to something arguably as bland and radio friendly which was the bob & tom show.

i was fully aware the humor on bob & tom was very low hanging fruit. i'd only caught a little bit here and there on my way to school or work throughout my life and had never listened to a full episode. i never paid much attention when there were guests i didn't recognize. after i became conscious of the fact that i was going out of my way to turn bob & tom when i got into work and didn't like the bummer feeling of the show ending a couple hours after i clocked in i decided to join their vip club so i could download the previous day's episode in mp3 format and put it on my creative zen touch mp3 player. it was during this time that i really started to pay attention to the world of stand-up comedy beyond what was featured on jay leno or conan or on stuff like premium blend, comedy central presents and whatever comedy showcases were on fox at the time.

not long after this, i started downloading any full album i could find. my girlfriend at the time started telling me how funny dane cook was. his comedy central presents episode always stuck out to me big time because my best friend in high school's name was dane and he also had spikey hair and wore mostly all black. so seeing another dane who fit that description blew my mind at the time. i decided to check out the album she was talking about because i'd noticed it was gaining a lot of attention and i was a little surprised that dane cook was randomly blowing up.

a lot of times i've left out dane cook as an inspiration and went straight to someone more "respectable" like doug stanhope or anthony jeselnik. both i consider to my 2 absolute favorites but that dane cook album was unlike anything else i'd ever heard at that time. it wasn't that the material was groundbreaking. it was basically the pop version of a stand-up comedy album. it was the first comedy album i sought out and listened to repeatedly. i analyzed what made his material funny aside from the immature subject matter. his voice inflection, the way he didn't take himself seriously but would go in and out from being arrogant to self deprecating and it still being somewhat believable to the stage character. i was hooked.

i heard doug stanhope on an episode of bob and tom and i remember almost just not listening to the entire episode because i thought he and joe rogan were horrible on the man show. i was never a huge fan of the man show but i remember when the switch happened and i remember never liking joe rogan. not even a little bit. yet i could still understand his appeal over stanhope. i legit thought doug stanhope was the most unfunny motherfucker i'd ever seen when i watched the man show. i'd be lying if the girls gone wild commercial he was in where he said "show us where babies feed" wasn't the beginning of me softening my stance toward him but this episode of bob and tom turned me into a full-on stanhope stan. the two big takeaways from this episode for me was the quote of him saying madonna's vagina looked like "someone kicked a hole in the side of a rotting hog carcass" which sent my 19 year old edgelord brain into a tailspin of praise for his vulgarity. he'd also go on to talk about how joe rogan is kind of an airheaded dipshit who gets fucked up and pretends he's a philosopher. he said it in a way that was like "yeah he's my friend but he's a moron" and that always resonated with me and what ultimately made me decide i had to check out stanhope's stand-up.

it was equal parts the best and worst thing i could have done. doug stanhope's material spoke to me in ways nobody else ever had. here was this bitter balding white guy who was angry as shit but no matter how far he'd lose you from the point he was trying to make he'd get you back in the end. he'd say things that would strike you as shocking upon first hearing only to leave you thinking "well i can't argue with it" and i've always loved that about his material. even as i get older and find less topics funny or worth joking about, stanhope still manages to pull it off. because of his ability to deliver his material like he's having a drunken meltdown despite it being a carefully written and thought out bit disguised as a rant i automatically thought i'd never be able to do comedy. "i'll never be that good, i'll never be like stanhope" and so i never tried.

i left crusader clinic in mid 2006. i was experiencing symptoms of mania but wouldn't end up in the hospital til the last part of the year in 2007. i didn't give much thought to doing comedy after leaving crusader. i still checked out albums here and there but my interest drifted from it as my mental issues began increasing. around this time i was also running my friend's bands website and helping them book shows through myspace. a couple of them would tell me i should try comedy and mentioned me opening for them sometime doing comedy. i hadn't written any material and wasn't even trying to hear this as a possibility.

i went to disney world in late 2010. this will also be a post by itself one day. throughout the car ride i kept going back to the replacements and the black lips. listening to them on repeat during that time made this feeling fester inside of me. i couldn't put my finger on it but i knew within 6 months i was going to be on stage. doing something. at the time i was picturing myself in a replacements style alt rock band. needless to say i did not start a band nor did i kick my practicing into high gear to even entertain the idea of starting a band. my gut feeling was right though.

the disney world trip would end up being the beginning of the end of the relationship i was in from 2006-2010. i started talking to someone not long after the break-up. i didn't realize it at the time but this relationship would end up being the catalyst for me to finally give comedy a shot.

at some point after the breakup i was trying to keep my mind busy by checking out an overwhelming amount of artists i hadn't heard, both music and comedy. i stumbled across anthony jeselnik and his album shakespeare was a game changer for me. i'd never heard a comedian that inspired me like him because i looked up to his style but also realized i could emulate it easily. i'm not sure if i'd consider myself a complete rip off mostly because i seem to be the only one who makes the connections in our material. i get compared more to mitch hedberg, steven wright or emo philips than anyone. the comparisons i've gotten to doug stanhope have been mostly in how i'd hold a beer bottle on stage or some of my opinions about comedy in general. that's not a shocker to me because my material isn't like stanhope's at all unless you count his "titfuck joke" or some of the other purposely hacky one liners he lobs out in between bits. i don't have the guts to write a well structured rant bit the way he does. the most stanhope-esque part of my act was making the white trash bar crowds think i'm one of them before lobbing out pro-abortion one liners or whatever else. not that i did it in any type of groundbreaking way.

i went the easy route. writing one-liners and jokes that purposely misdirect the listener. i'm not saying it's an easy thing to do but it came a lot more naturally to me than trying to write something that is actually thought provoking. i've lost countless hours of my life rambling and analyzing my mental health and yet i still have 0 material on my diagnosis or experiences that i feel proud of or that i feel doesn't just take some easy route. "it was a different time" is stale and generic. everyone brings this up before the inevitable "but it's true" and unfortunately it is. shock value humor was very much in and even if it wasn't everyone's cup of tea it was very much widespread. i don't think this was a "golden era" for comedy or anything like that. i'm not one of those people who believes every subject is free reign for joking. but i sure as fuck used to.

during childhood and going into middle school years i was bullied by randos and my friends alike. getting picked on for my glasses. having any and every little mistake i made amplified or turned into a running gag. i got to where i didn't even feel comfortable asking my best friend questions for fear he'd just roast the shit out of me. by 7th grade i was ready to make new friends and stop trying to please others. by 8th grade i had started getting a little more vocal and would basically become a full blown edgelord.

being an edgelord either requires you to be legitimately cruel or requires you to dissociate heavily. maybe a bit of both. i just remember any time i'd prep myself to say something that even i was against morally there'd be a certain feeling that would gloss over me. i'd joke that it felt like i was losing a part of my soul. there seems to be truth to that though because here i am decades later and my brain is conditioned to default to the negative. conditioned to seek out stereotypical behavior in anyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality, religion. the only saving grace is that it has helped me recognize my own shitty behavior and do better. i used to heavily subscribe to the idea that "anything is for entertainment" and in a way, i still do.

however, it's hard for me to defend whiny ass (predominantly) cis white dudes that are mad they get shit on for making jokes about someone getting sexually assaulted. i don't care if you're mad at the "woke massses" because your "joke" that relied on the word "tranny" as the punchline didn't land like you thought so now the problem is everyone else. forget the fact that you failed to even write a real joke you just hoped 1 or 2 buzzwords would be enough to get a laugh. there's no message or real thought behind the joke, they just think "oh what's a hot topic, how can i offend?" and then lob out some uninspired shit and get mad when audiences or their peers don't find it funny. this leads to them finding an entire new group of made-up adversaries to target just because they're lazy ass writers.

my philosophy on "offensive" material is that if you decide you are going to talk about something that you know is sensitive to others on stage then you'd better have a damn good reason for bringing it up. the punchline better be amazingly clever. if it's not then you've just (possibly/probably) triggered at least one person in the crowd. was it worth it? who were you "sticking it to" when you walked a table of people because 1 person got upset you said "rape" and it ruined the night for an entire table. i'm not telling you what you specifically "can" or "can't" joke about but for fuck's sake use your head a little. think of the audience, or your peers.

most people who have this issue would stop my end of the debate there. say "why should i care what one person thinks" or some bullshit like that. if you can't respect your own audience enough to realize that your words could have dire consequences on their mental health then did you give any thought to the fact that there could be another comedian on the bill who gets triggered by this? or that their set/mental health can suffer because you want to be an edgy dipshit and lose the crowd? oh but it's the crowd's fault right? did you ever stop to think that another performer's partner could have came along with them to be supportive only to be triggered into depression? yes i am projecting big time with this but it's a huge reason why i don't go to comedy shows anymore. i've heard enough white dudes punch downward with lackluster material for too long. i've been one for too long.

here's a comedy tip for those of you like timone weiner who still think it's hilarious to be edgy for the sake of being edgy. i'm not just picking on him because there are 100s of performers like this in the midwest scene alone. you're not a draw by name only and probably never will be. people are there because the flyer says "comedy night" and it's probably free or cheap and there's nothing else to do. nobody is filling a bar, comedy club or even a broom closet just to see you perform. you don't have free reign to say whatever the fuck you please. celebrities with real platforms are losing this privilege because they don't think before they speak. going against this does not give you more power. you are not standing up to censorship by driving people away from live comedy. posting about bothering a hick bar for months until they let you run an open mic just to have it get cancelled isn't helping anyone. bitching about the crowd at the place because nobody wanted to hear your "jokes" isn't helping anyone. you're making it harder for people who give a fuck to keep doing comedy. bars and venues think all local comedy is like what you're doing and they lose interest. you're legitimately ruining people's night out. blaming a crowd for not laughing at your material is the most hack shit someone can do. hopping on social media to blame an entire crowd because you assume they didn't agree with you politically or thought you weren't funny isn't an issue of the audience. you suck at writing jokes and performing your own material, suck it up and get better.

it's not the audience's fault you can't separate your chronically online behavior from what people who touch grass find funny. it's also not the fault of the audience if they are mostly comprised of small town white folk and they don't laugh at some weird ass joke you wrote and are super proud of because it references some shit like a random eric b and rakim lyric and links it to an obscure dc comic book character. your job as a performer is to relate to the audience. the bigger the difference, the harder your job is and the more rewarding it is when you find common ground and get them to laugh. that's the entire point of stand-up comedy. it's not a competition for who can offend the most people or clear the most tables in a venue.

this doesn't just drive away audience/customers or look poorly on the bar. it doesn't just cause bar owners to think negatively about locally produced stand-up comedy. because of the networking nature of comedy, a lot of people don't speak up especially when it is a producer who's in the wrong. i was made aware of a post by someone who stopped doing comedy because of this type of behavior. in her post she mentioned saying something anti-porn on stage and then had a phone screen with porn on it shoved in her face when she got off stage by the idiot i name dropped 2 paragraphs ago. good job sexually harassing someone out of comedy. the same type of behavior that got his ass banned from irish rose. keep in mind there are many more like him that continue to be enabled.

however if you wanna keep doing your shitty brand of "entertainment" please feel free to slap another label on it besides stand-up comedy. then you can brag about how you're finally good at something for once in your life.




i can't express how badass this little set-up felt to me in 2004-05

i moved out of my apartment toward the end of April after 17 months. as much as i liked the apartment itself and didn't mind the location i absolutely hated my neighbor. his father is the landlord of the building so the thought of sticking it out and hoping he'd move out one day was never an option. the lady down the hall told me she's lived there 8 years and i'm the 7th person to move out of that apartment because of living near him.

i tried my hardest to ignore it but he and i could not be more opposite politically. i'm not one to voice my political opinions without being prompted or asked. this dude would pop up outta nowhere ready to debate about shit he brought up. i'd open my front door and he'd open his to tell me he was on facebook "owning people" and getting high. i'd be trying to enjoy time with my elderly dying dog and he'd pop up outta the bushes (literally) with no shirt on and a Newport short in his hand running his mouth about some bullshit.

during my time there i found out he has a diagnosis similar to me. i tried my best to take that into consideration while dealing with him. not every interaction was unpleasant. but he also got himself banned from my job for being racist. he worked there before i did and also got fired for saying racist shit to a customer. he sincerely believed there was a corporate conspiracy by Mobil against him. he'd send his child, that he homeschools by the way, up to the gas station to buy his Mt. Dew for him and then the kid would come home throwing a fit and claiming employees treated him unfairly when he'd show up without enough money. when things like this would happen he'd avoid me and go yell at my (female) cousin who also lives in the building. he's an asshole, a coward, a MAGA fuck and at some point in April i hit my breaking point because i got tired of hearing his stupid voice.

i got tired of the montage of all the times he ruined with my dying dog playing in my head every time i was reminded he existed. i got tired of feeling like i had put some "cherry on the top" finishing touch to my apartment and had that "this is home" feeling just to have it ruined less than 24 hrs later by some tantrum he'd be throwing until his dad would come buy his unemployed ass cigarettes. i got tired of realizing why i pay more in rent than my cousin and how we all probably pay more than needed to make up for this sponge having no job and making our lives hell when he wants something so his dad will keep him quiet and the tenants happy.

it all hit me that i was fucking stupid for living this way. why am i working a job i barely like to live in an apartment i can't enjoy? the guy upstairs was okay, our work hours kinda worked out to where i could be loud while he was gone. overall though living in an apartment building felt way too much like being in a hospital room and jail cell for my liking. being in the apartment itself was nice but having to navigate around other people was a challenge at first and my fuckin neighbor did not ever make it any easier. i went off on him a few times and instead of getting the hint he'd just crank up the annoying trying to fix it. after a few months of me living there he went out and started talking to a friend that was picking me up. i got out to the car and asked my buddy what my neighbor was talking to him about. this dipshit was telling my friend (whom he'd never met, keep in mind) that the 3 of us (i wasn't in the car or out of the apartment yet) should start a weed growing operation in the basement of the building. in the few minutes that it took me to come outside this dude brought up that and then bragged about riding his light up DUI scooter downtown "looking for bitches" and you may be asking yourself what the fuck does this have to do with anything?

i'm not happy with myself that i ended up back in the basement of the house i was so happy to escape. i'm still in a period of trying to figure out how i move toward my goals most efficiently. but i keep thinking of how my apartment was and how it felt and how if i was still there things wouldn't be any better with the currently political climate. i had reached the point where i felt like i was going to get violent toward him so i moved. as much as i still maintain it would feel great to punch a MAGA goof in their face, staying out of jail and legal trouble is ideal at this point in my life. i'm too old for this shit. too old to be back at home.

my uncle was the owner of this house the last time i lived here, that's a whole post for another day. or maybe today if i have more coffee. after he died in Sept 2022, my parents eventually ended up with it officially. i'm glad they have it and have the stability. when i was in the apartment my goal was to get a house. that's still my goal. as much as i enjoyed the delivery driver aspect of my last job, going back and forth to 3rd shift and the permanent change to 3rd was something i struggled with until i day i left. the move was pretty abrupt. i didn't plan it out very well and packed haphazardly. it's taken me awhile to get my things organized and situated given the limited space i now have.

sometimes i wish i had stuck it out at my job a little longer. they obviously have someone on 3rd shift now. once they were forced to get someone it happened. i honestly don't know if this was someone they would have gotten anyway for weekends or to get me off 3rd like i'd been asking but of course i left before finding out for sure. i originally told them i wanted off 3rd shift in March and by June was on 3rd full time. i was very vocal about not liking it. i texted my boss plenty of times so it would be there in writing that i did not like the job and it wasn't going to work. i keep telling myself these things because i still feel like i should have stuck it out longer. at least for another paycheck or 2. but what's done is done. it's an improvement over my work history for the last few years. i've got experiences and stories for days from that job.

it took awhile to move things around and get everything situated. my sleep schedule was already weird from work then i had some schedule changes and picked up some hours a few times. i've been struggling since i left the job late in June to finish up on what was left over from the move. i've just now finally gotten to where my shit isn't in a maze form and i can find and access stuff i want. i fucked up my hip and back at some point throughout moving all this shit around. it's been a slow process and i know i could do better. i'm trying my hardest not to burn myself out or allow myself to completely shut down. i'm happy with the progress i've made with my environment in July. i know that August will bring new changes for me and i'm looking forward to starting a new job and getting my little bit of debt caught back up. i'll have an opportunity to save money and get a place faster than i would have at the apartment.

i also have finally made proper space for 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 to do whatever they do.

i was getting ready for a show i was booked for this past saturday. i was looking forward to it for the most part but with every show i've had the last few years i was mostly looking forward to it being over with. i got up early and prepped a set. i was actually pleased with it as i went over it mentally. show days for me usually include me waking up earlier than i'd like, drinking 1-3 energy drinks or taking no doz to stay awake and have some amount of "pep" come showtime then usually spending the day completely anxious and ready for it all to be done.

i woke up early last saturday, had a bowel movement and it was mostly all blood. the night before i wanted to stay up and work on the 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 site and i took a diet pill to stay up. i'm not sure if this contributed to why i was bleeding but those pills have a 50/50 shot of making me feel like shit and i felt like i had gotten lucky that night because i felt good and productive. i rarely eat on show days, especially since i quit drinking. i have this fear i'm going to look bloated on stage so i avoid eating. i did eat saturday, but just a bagel. my gut felt like mud all day and i'd get random sharp pains. i got off the computer a little after reading about the shooting that occurred saturday afternoon. i went and tried to use the bathroom but it was all a combo of gas and blood. i got in the shower to get ready for the show. 

i remember being in the shower and getting very dizzy. i started seeing stars and getting the blackout feeling and don't remember going back to my bed. next thing i knew i was in bed wrapped in a towel and my stepdad was asking me unrelated questions not realizing i was very out of it. once he did he got my mom and she ended up helping me get ahold of the show producer Jared so i could let him know what was going on. every time i tried to speak or process what was going on i'd get more nauseous. i don't really remember much of the night after that because it was just a lot of me laying around with the TV on in the background. i wanted to go to the ER but kept thinking about the last time i'd been there and spent 8 hours laying in the waiting room getting up in 20 min increments to go puke before ever being seen. i probably should have just went but the bleeding did subside after another day. i made a dr appointment to get it checked out, i still feel dizzy off and on. 

all i know for sure is i'm done with comedy. i don't like how i feel on days of shows. i don't like what prepping for shows does to my mind and body. i don't like the 6-8 hour comedown i experience after shows whether i'm sober, drunk, overcaffeinated, no caffeine. none of it is worth it to me especially when i consider my material mediocre at best and continuously struggle to perform it in a manner that suggests i even believe in it 10%. the world can do without even the material i am most proud of.

i've done plenty of shows i should have just blown off. i've blown off shows i probably could have made it through. neither were doing a service to comedy. i used to enjoy comedy. a lot. but i've spent about 10 years chasing that feeling i used to get when i was having fun only to end up feeling disappointed. i've had sets that were near perfect along with sets that were total trainwrecks and came home feeling the same regardless. i sincerely do not miss a majority of people i met through comedy. it hasn't been fun for so long. 

around the end of 2021 i had started to produce shows again when things had started to open up after the pandemic. i was asked to book a show at a bar in Rockford within walking distance from my house. i wasn't super excited about the bar itself. the layout isn't great for comedy and i was unsure what to expect from patrons or staff. i vaguely knew a bartender who worked there and she was the one who asked if i'd be interested in helping out with the shows there. she knew my co-producer for years and he immediately stated he wanted no part in being at the shows but would help out otherwise. i honestly don't remember the clusterfuck of circumstances that lead to me ultimately dropping off the show i was scheduled to perform on. i remember my "cherry on top" reason for exiting but by the time i decided i didn't want any part of it i was frustrated because what i had initially been asked to help out with and what i was ultimately being asked to do were not the same. i remember seeing the flyer for the show i was booked on and seeing Marcos Lara and immediately thinking "well fuck that" and then went back and forth mentally on if i should do the show or not. i dropped off that show but found a (better) replacement so they weren't left without anyone. 

i stopped doing shows with Marcos years ago for many reasons. the first and most blatant is because i don't think he's funny and i don't respect his approach to comedy. i don't like that he hosts every show he books. i don't like that he claims to provide opportunities for people but they are usually last minute offers to increase show attendance or very low paying. he does shit like offer a 3 minute set to persuade someone to go to his show over my open mic. he got a financial grant to teach comedy classes at a community center in a low income area that was attended by the same handful of people who follow him around thinking he is their legitimate gateway to success. their reward was a certificate he printed at the library and a 1 time set at District in Rockford. these people go on to set up their own shows well before they're ready and when the shows fail venues, and patrons of the venues, are left with a sour taste in regards to local comedy.

i believe everyone should have an opportunity to try stand-up if it's their dream. i believe humor is subjective. but over the years i grew tired of watching him and his comedy buddies drive away people and then blame the audience. i grew tired of being asked if i knew Marcos only to have it followed up with "he isn't very funny" from comedians and fans of comedy alike. the more i opened up about experiences and opinions on his behavior i was met with similar stories from others and realized it wasn't just in my head and the ones who had written him off before i did weren't being too harsh.

i went to a show at the venue i mentioned earlier in this rant to see my buddy Chris May perform. Jamie Martin came out to watch too despite not having done comedy for a few years. i wanted to say hi to Chris, let him see my 83 Plymouth Scamp that i was driving at the time and also to get a Canon camera lens he was kind enough to gift me. on my way in i walked past a maskless John Bragg (JB) standing at the entrance. he said hi and i kept walking. probably petty on my end but i did it for a specific reason and here's why...

at some point during the "okay events can happen but everyone has to have a mask and be social distancing" era of the pandemic i did a show in Oregon, IL and JB was in the crowd. he came up to me as i was leaving, i don't remember the conversation i just remember ending it quickly and leaving. i got asked by the promoter of the show if i knew JB and if i thought he was funny because JB had mentioned knowing me and was wanting to get booked on the show because he has family in Oregon. i said i'd never seen him do well or be funny, because it's true, and was also a little irritated he'd imply that i'd be willing to vouch for him. at some point JB bypassed the person booking the show and contacted the venue to set up his own show. i'm not sure if he was taught the comedy class i mentioned earlier but i found it to be tacky on his end.

i walk into the venue and sit down with Jamie and Chris and we watch the show and it sucks. the rest of the crowd are not feeling it and the host (also one of the bar employees) starts calling women in the crowd bitches and just making a spectacle of bombing and now it's Marcos' job to save the show. i actually felt bad for him at this point but knew there was no way in hell it was gonna happen. i'd be lying if i said we didn't have a few laughs at his expense but we were by no means heckling or even talking over the rest of the crowd that were being louder than the performers but we still ended up being accused of being there only to cause drama. despite the fact one of the people at our table was the feature performer. the girl who i had previously spoken with multiple times had came over in the beginning of the night to say hi and be super friendly with us. after Marcos bombed he went and complained and had her come scold us. i'm sure she could see that i was irritated because the conversation went from her accusing us of being there to derail the show (we were not and did not) to her asking me if i'd be willing to perform there the following month. i agreed to it in the moment but was confused and pissed off. the headliner went up and immediately started saying he was proudly homophobic and i took that as my cue to leave. i ended up messaging her and telling her thank you but no thank you. 

a few months go by and i get sent a screenshot of a Facebook post made by JB about how he should have believed Marcos about drama within the Rockford comedy scene and, without using my name, briefly described the instance of me walking by and not saying hi to him. i messaged him about it and he immediately denied it was even about me causing me to ask him "so people walk by you and blatantly ignore you all the time?" and he said something like "no just you" and i was like "so the post is about me?" and while this is all very petty it still pissed me off that he wanted to dodge the simple fact he had decided to post about some random shit 2 months after it happened. yes, i'm fully aware i'm typing a fucking essay about it 2 years later. "my hypocrisy knows no bounds" - Doc Holliday in Tombstone. 

so our spat continues with him calling me a keyboard warrior. i point out that i'm in his inbox solely because he decided to make a post about how i didn't say hi to him. me not talking to him has now caused me to feel the need to speak to him. he got his wish. he insisted on talking things out in person. i had a show that night and told him he could talk to me there to which he replied he was conveniently already planning on attending (okay) and then this goofy bastard has the nerve to approach me less than 10 minutes before the show's start time to want to talk to me. i told him i was going up first and he could wait til the show was done. after the show our discussion did not go civil. i'm still as pissed about everything as i was that night. he threatened to "splatter my head" so i went back into the venue and came out with the mic stand and put it at his feet and called his bluff. he had no gun with him like he tried to insinuate but at least he had a weapon now and still did nothing. i don't appreciate empty threats. he had this continued theme of me thinking i was better than him and other comedians in Rockford which is true to an extent. i think what is lost on those who feel that way about me though is that i'm fully aware of where i am in the pecking order of comedy and it's not very high at all. so while i do consider myself a better comedian than most of them for one reason or another, that doesn't mean i have this inflated sense of self worth. i'm completely self-aware that despite having an album on Spotify, nobody is listening. nobody is rushing to book me. i don't say that as pity either, it's just simple fact. it doesn't make anything i've observed or said over the years any less true.

i've been the first one to point out of my own flaws as a comedian or producer and usually get met with generic answers blaming the crowd or venue or being told not to doubt myself. i'm aware of when things go poorly just like i am aware of when they go great. i was there. so i take offense to the narrative that i'm just some asshole who is mean to their comedy clique for no valid reason. i've been away from comedy but still see things on Facebook. comments and posts about cancelled open mics. blaming the crowd for not responding how the "joke" was intended to be taken. it gives me enough reason to believe things haven't changed much but i'd like to be proven wrong.

despite who is "right" or "wrong" i still found myself at a point where i didn't like how all of this was making me feel. the hostility, the reckless urges, the inability to concentrate. all of that was on me to address and work on. it was nobody else's fault that i had gotten to that point of instability. if comedy is about being funny then why am i not having fun? i realized i had to take a break from comedy. i gave producing another shot before i came to this realization. i will post separately about the weekend that ultimately lead to me realizing it was time to quit.

 

i've done comedy twice since taking a year off and i am considerably rusty. i struggle hard to give my sets structure. even making a set list, i find it hard to stick to it and coherently segue between topics. this is partially because i haven't been to any open mics in between bookings and mostly because it's mirroring every other aspect of my life right now. there is no order or organization. i'm just acting on impulse and lobbing shit out. sometimes i get lucky and it works. most of the time i'm like "okay wtf was that. try again" and it has me considering going back to the hospital.

i keep telling myself with each passing week that after a series of upcoming events/responsibilities i'll have time to work on my mental health and the things i set aside. things keep piling up and i've hit a point again where my brain feels like it has skidded to a halt. i had a show june 22 and i set an alarm to make sure i would leave with plenty of time to get there. i still managed to space out and leave late and get to the show about 10 minutes late. to my knowledge, it wasn't a huge deal to the person running the show and i did give him a heads up but it left me with zero time to relax. to the producer's credit, he did say something along the lines of "whenever you're ready" but since i stopped drinking i have this bad habit of constantly feeling ready to get my set over with. i think it shows during my performances and especially in my lack of preparation these last 2 shows. despite structuring a set i haven't done much to prepare myself for doing comedy. now that i have some extra free time while i figure out my next source of stable income i'm going to work on getting my new 10 minutes down before going on stage and saying literally whatever comes to mind first becomes a permanent habit. i'm going to also work on getting some sleep before going to shows.

oh yeah and 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 still needs to finish making 𝚕𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚑.

back in 2016 i did a show called One Light Nite. there was a cover charge for the show but no financial compensation for me as a performer. instead i was promised a high quality video recording of my set. my set was around 25 minutes and was the best i'd done up to that point. i was extremely disappointed to hear back from the promoter of the show letting me know there was no audio or video of my set available despite all the effort that went into recording the entire evening. over the years i've forgotten the reasons i was given as to why i wasn't being provided what was promised.

to make up for it, i scheduled an event at the same venue and had someone else in mind to record my set. on the night of the recording rockford got hit with a snowfall warning and it was expected to have blizzard conditions. i remember it snowing a decent amount but nothing like it was predicting but since businesses and other events were shutting down i figured it would be in my best decision to cancel as well.


the night went well and i left the house cafe assuming the recording was a success. i went on to book an album release party show and had things set up for the release. at one point the person who recorded my set got in touch with me to let me know things were going well. then i got news that halfway into the audio it became unusable. there was significant buzzing and crackling from a soundboard issue. needless to say i was devastated. i did a run through of the album after a comedy open mic at the house cafe a month or so later to see if we could get any audio to frankenstein something together and that was also a bust. i figured it would be but also figured at that point i didn't have much to lose and was giving up on the idea of ever putting out this album.



the album release party show was still booked and the decision was eventually made to try yet another recording. the same person who recorded me at the house cafe had felt like they wanted to make things right and they recorded my set that night at the hope & anchor. i wasn't crazy about how the set itself went. i was thrilled by the packed house and had a good time otherwise. but what really pissed me off was that i got ghosted by the person who recorded me. didn't hear anything back from them and never received a copy of my set directly from them.



there was an unrelated post in a chicago suburbs comedy facebook group where this person was being a smartass so i chimed in and mentioned how getting a copy of my recording would be cool. the person then took it upon themselves to ask for my paypal email and return my money and screenshot it like a wiseass. i have no gripes about getting a refund but i never once asked for it. all i was asking for was my recording and i'd even gotten to the point where i would have settled on a reason why i was being ghosted. i never did receive a reason and even got called an asshole for bringing up this person recording me twice and leaving me with nothing. then given a refund i didn't request in a smartass manner.

eventually in 2019 matt drufke was getting a comedy festival up and running called on the fox and asked me if i would be willing to let them handle my album recording. i was reluctant to try again but ultimately decided to and was very happy with the outcome. i may do another post in the future about that night specifically but for the sake of this post i'll just say everything was handled with 100% professionalism and comfortzone audio did a solid job recording me. chris may recorded the video and he and i did the editing. a couple weeks after setting up my final album recording chris borrowed the tascam recorder used to record my hope & anchor set and that's when i finally got a copy of that audio. i knew at that point i wasn't going to use it but i was happy to finally get closure on that as well instead of wondering how it sounded.

i definitely learned my lesson