there's no punchline
Jul. 18th, 2024 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scottgalvini was getting ready for a show i was booked for this past saturday. i was looking forward to it for the most part but with every show i've had the last few years i was mostly looking forward to it being over with. i got up early and prepped a set. i was actually pleased with it as i went over it mentally. show days for me usually include me waking up earlier than i'd like, drinking 1-3 energy drinks or taking no doz to stay awake and have some amount of "pep" come showtime then usually spending the day completely anxious and ready for it all to be done.
i woke up early last saturday, had a bowel movement and it was mostly all blood. the night before i wanted to stay up and work on the 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 site and i took a diet pill to stay up. i'm not sure if this contributed to why i was bleeding but those pills have a 50/50 shot of making me feel like shit and i felt like i had gotten lucky that night because i felt good and productive. i rarely eat on show days, especially since i quit drinking. i have this fear i'm going to look bloated on stage so i avoid eating. i did eat saturday, but just a bagel. my gut felt like mud all day and i'd get random sharp pains. i got off the computer a little after reading about the shooting that occurred saturday afternoon. i went and tried to use the bathroom but it was all a combo of gas and blood. i got in the shower to get ready for the show.
i remember being in the shower and getting very dizzy. i started seeing stars and getting the blackout feeling and don't remember going back to my bed. next thing i knew i was in bed wrapped in a towel and my stepdad was asking me unrelated questions not realizing i was very out of it. once he did he got my mom and she ended up helping me get ahold of the show producer Jared so i could let him know what was going on. every time i tried to speak or process what was going on i'd get more nauseous. i don't really remember much of the night after that because it was just a lot of me laying around with the TV on in the background. i wanted to go to the ER but kept thinking about the last time i'd been there and spent 8 hours laying in the waiting room getting up in 20 min increments to go puke before ever being seen. i probably should have just went but the bleeding did subside after another day. i made a dr appointment to get it checked out, i still feel dizzy off and on.
all i know for sure is i'm done with comedy. i don't like how i feel on days of shows. i don't like what prepping for shows does to my mind and body. i don't like the 6-8 hour comedown i experience after shows whether i'm sober, drunk, overcaffeinated, no caffeine. none of it is worth it to me especially when i consider my material mediocre at best and continuously struggle to perform it in a manner that suggests i even believe in it 10%. the world can do without even the material i am most proud of.
i've done plenty of shows i should have just blown off. i've blown off shows i probably could have made it through. neither were doing a service to comedy. i used to enjoy comedy. a lot. but i've spent about 10 years chasing that feeling i used to get when i was having fun only to end up feeling disappointed. i've had sets that were near perfect along with sets that were total trainwrecks and came home feeling the same regardless. i sincerely do not miss a majority of people i met through comedy. it hasn't been fun for so long.
i woke up early last saturday, had a bowel movement and it was mostly all blood. the night before i wanted to stay up and work on the 𝚝𝚏𝚙𝚇𝙴 site and i took a diet pill to stay up. i'm not sure if this contributed to why i was bleeding but those pills have a 50/50 shot of making me feel like shit and i felt like i had gotten lucky that night because i felt good and productive. i rarely eat on show days, especially since i quit drinking. i have this fear i'm going to look bloated on stage so i avoid eating. i did eat saturday, but just a bagel. my gut felt like mud all day and i'd get random sharp pains. i got off the computer a little after reading about the shooting that occurred saturday afternoon. i went and tried to use the bathroom but it was all a combo of gas and blood. i got in the shower to get ready for the show.
i remember being in the shower and getting very dizzy. i started seeing stars and getting the blackout feeling and don't remember going back to my bed. next thing i knew i was in bed wrapped in a towel and my stepdad was asking me unrelated questions not realizing i was very out of it. once he did he got my mom and she ended up helping me get ahold of the show producer Jared so i could let him know what was going on. every time i tried to speak or process what was going on i'd get more nauseous. i don't really remember much of the night after that because it was just a lot of me laying around with the TV on in the background. i wanted to go to the ER but kept thinking about the last time i'd been there and spent 8 hours laying in the waiting room getting up in 20 min increments to go puke before ever being seen. i probably should have just went but the bleeding did subside after another day. i made a dr appointment to get it checked out, i still feel dizzy off and on.
all i know for sure is i'm done with comedy. i don't like how i feel on days of shows. i don't like what prepping for shows does to my mind and body. i don't like the 6-8 hour comedown i experience after shows whether i'm sober, drunk, overcaffeinated, no caffeine. none of it is worth it to me especially when i consider my material mediocre at best and continuously struggle to perform it in a manner that suggests i even believe in it 10%. the world can do without even the material i am most proud of.
i've done plenty of shows i should have just blown off. i've blown off shows i probably could have made it through. neither were doing a service to comedy. i used to enjoy comedy. a lot. but i've spent about 10 years chasing that feeling i used to get when i was having fun only to end up feeling disappointed. i've had sets that were near perfect along with sets that were total trainwrecks and came home feeling the same regardless. i sincerely do not miss a majority of people i met through comedy. it hasn't been fun for so long.
