lost and found
Feb. 24th, 2026 05:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scottgalvini've been dealing with a lot of loss since 2019. i've lost my cat, my dog, 2 uncles, my dad, my apartment, my job. in 2019 i got out of a 4 year relationship and that break-up hit me harder than any other i've been through. we stopped talking completely in 2020 and since then i've not been in a relationship.
i look at how the course of the relationship went and it bothers me that i managed to drive someone away. i realized i do that with just about everybody, relationship or not. i do not think i'd still be with this person today if we hadn't broken up back then but it does bother me that i was so wrapped up in my own bullshit that i didn't make an attempt to make anything better. after we broke up i texted her over and over with the most heinous shit i could think of. i completely blew up, taking out my pent up anger (over many things in my life) out on her through text. i acted like a complete asshole, i acted childish and worst of all i was intentionally mean. i said things that go against my belief system just because i knew it would hurt.
i wasn't interested in getting back together at the time we stopped talking. i do not regret that decision to this day. i remember how off the rails i felt at the time and i knew i could not handle relationships anymore. i hadn't been alone for a significant period of time since i was 16. i had jumped from relationship to relationship.
i got into a rebound relationship in the summer of 2019. it upset my ex and she texted me back saying things i wanted to hear a few weeks prior. i was mad that she chosen to do it after i'd made an attempt to move on. it completely ruined my mindset for the relationship i was in, which was a mess in itself. that relationship showed me a lot about what it's been like for others while dating me. she was lost in her own addiction, behaved erraticly when drunk, never knew which version you'd be getting, very distant at times. a lot of behavior i'd never experienced from this end. i'd always been the one making the relationship hard with my stubbornness and inability to deal with the symptoms of my diagnosis. needless to say that relationship ended poorly. i fully expected it to and quickly fell back into old habits with my ex although we never officially got back together.
in the years following my ex and i no longer speaking, i've analyzed my behavior over and over. not just in that relationship but in every relationship i've ever been a part of. it hit me that i needed to give time to myself instead of doing everything i could to avoid being alone. now, the thought of letting someone else into my life doesn't always feel appealing. i worry more about my own stability and feel that i'll know when a person is worth letting into my space. i am happy alone. i am proud of the mental progress i've made. it will always be something i'm working on but i am grateful for the opportunity to grow.
i was in a relationship from 2006-2010 where i put up with a lot of abuse and being cheated on. i felt so low at the time that it felt better than being alone. i was with this person when i received my diagnosis in 2007 and because of that i felt like nobody else would ever understand me. i put up with a lot of shit i never should have. being lied to, cheated on, accused of cheating and more. once i got out of that relationship i still felt the need to reach out to her once every year or 2 to let her know how much better i was doing without her. i had never bothered to process what that relationship did to me and how long the effects lingered. i'd pushed so much out of my mind after we broke up that when things started coming back to me i'd started to gain a better understanding of myself. i put up with a lot of shit because i thought so low of myself that i didn't feel i deserved better. once i met others who treated me better i still felt like i didn't deserve it. i'd go on to drive them all away.
it all seems simple with hindsight but when you numb yourself with weed and alcohol it's easy to overlook a lot of things. i'm thankful i've been able to sort through a lot of things i'd never dealt with. the mental baggage i've carried for so long feels much lighter these days. i've learned that i'm going to lose a lot of things in life but it's all an opportunity to learn and grow.
i look at how the course of the relationship went and it bothers me that i managed to drive someone away. i realized i do that with just about everybody, relationship or not. i do not think i'd still be with this person today if we hadn't broken up back then but it does bother me that i was so wrapped up in my own bullshit that i didn't make an attempt to make anything better. after we broke up i texted her over and over with the most heinous shit i could think of. i completely blew up, taking out my pent up anger (over many things in my life) out on her through text. i acted like a complete asshole, i acted childish and worst of all i was intentionally mean. i said things that go against my belief system just because i knew it would hurt.
i wasn't interested in getting back together at the time we stopped talking. i do not regret that decision to this day. i remember how off the rails i felt at the time and i knew i could not handle relationships anymore. i hadn't been alone for a significant period of time since i was 16. i had jumped from relationship to relationship.
i got into a rebound relationship in the summer of 2019. it upset my ex and she texted me back saying things i wanted to hear a few weeks prior. i was mad that she chosen to do it after i'd made an attempt to move on. it completely ruined my mindset for the relationship i was in, which was a mess in itself. that relationship showed me a lot about what it's been like for others while dating me. she was lost in her own addiction, behaved erraticly when drunk, never knew which version you'd be getting, very distant at times. a lot of behavior i'd never experienced from this end. i'd always been the one making the relationship hard with my stubbornness and inability to deal with the symptoms of my diagnosis. needless to say that relationship ended poorly. i fully expected it to and quickly fell back into old habits with my ex although we never officially got back together.
in the years following my ex and i no longer speaking, i've analyzed my behavior over and over. not just in that relationship but in every relationship i've ever been a part of. it hit me that i needed to give time to myself instead of doing everything i could to avoid being alone. now, the thought of letting someone else into my life doesn't always feel appealing. i worry more about my own stability and feel that i'll know when a person is worth letting into my space. i am happy alone. i am proud of the mental progress i've made. it will always be something i'm working on but i am grateful for the opportunity to grow.
i was in a relationship from 2006-2010 where i put up with a lot of abuse and being cheated on. i felt so low at the time that it felt better than being alone. i was with this person when i received my diagnosis in 2007 and because of that i felt like nobody else would ever understand me. i put up with a lot of shit i never should have. being lied to, cheated on, accused of cheating and more. once i got out of that relationship i still felt the need to reach out to her once every year or 2 to let her know how much better i was doing without her. i had never bothered to process what that relationship did to me and how long the effects lingered. i'd pushed so much out of my mind after we broke up that when things started coming back to me i'd started to gain a better understanding of myself. i put up with a lot of shit because i thought so low of myself that i didn't feel i deserved better. once i met others who treated me better i still felt like i didn't deserve it. i'd go on to drive them all away.
it all seems simple with hindsight but when you numb yourself with weed and alcohol it's easy to overlook a lot of things. i'm thankful i've been able to sort through a lot of things i'd never dealt with. the mental baggage i've carried for so long feels much lighter these days. i've learned that i'm going to lose a lot of things in life but it's all an opportunity to learn and grow.
