ignorance is bliss
Jul. 18th, 2024 12:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scottgalvinlast week i saw an ad on FB for a show called six schizophrenic brothers. i was caught off guard by the family's surname being Galvin. i sent a screenshot to an acquaintance with the joke "wonder if they need a 7th" and they replied hours later telling me they didn't believe in schizophrenia because they're lutheran. i was baptized lutheran but haven't been to a lutheran church since i was a child. i don't know if this is a real thing the religion teaches but this is someone i've known since middle school. i haven't kept in regular contact with them over the years. they had told me about struggles with PTSD and an eating disorder so i find it hard to believe that this person dismisses all mental illnesses. it did bring new light to some of their earlier comments in convos we had over the months.
needless to say though it did piss me off. i decided upon reading it that i wasn't even going to bother to argue. this person knew enough of my daily struggles that if they were joking, i don't appreciate it. if they are serious, then that means this person assumes i'm full of shit. i told them i thought that comment was fucked up, whether serious or a joke. i said something to the effect of "it must be nice to be able to not believe in something i deal with regularly" and blocked them. i've dealt with this mindset from other people. one of which was with me the night of my first breakdown and dealt with me over the phone prior to me being involuntarily hospitalized in 2007 and saw the aftermath. i stopped talking to this person in 2023 after they said something to the effect of me having full control over what goes on in my head.
i don't expect my friends to have all the answers. i don't expect that out of doctors. truth be told, i just want to talk. i don't want any answers. i don't think i know everything about my diagnosis but i do feel that i know enough that i can manage it to the best of my ability. i've went through years of therapy, classes, long periods of time on various meds. i'm not trying to say that i've "seen or done it all" but i try my best to convey that i'm not self-diagnosed nor am i someone who uses their illness for sympathy or as an excuse.
there was a time where i was very confused as to what i was dealing with. i've been dealing with it for 17 years now. i recognize patterns in my thoughts and behavior and do my best to be up front about it and work on it. being completely aware of something doesn't automatically give you the power to stop it. i've gone into situations giving myself positive affirmation and keeping the best mindset possible and still had it end up in a complete trainwreck due to some unforeseen thing sending my thought process elsewhere. i realize how vague this all sounds and that's because i'm thinking of around 10 different experiences this applies to and i know there are several more. i'm exhausted by other people but that's because i go into every situation already exhausted with myself. people's frustration toward me when i explain how i feel heavily mirrors what i feel like i'm already going through.
denying the existence of such a disease is something i fail to wrap my head around. i don't think the schizophrenia diagnosis (2007) or schizoaffective bipolar type diagnosis (2014) completely define who i am. if that's all you take from what i say then i feel you've missed the point entirely. the person with the diagnosis inherently believes things are happening that clearly aren't. it's fucked up to then tell that person that what they are experiencing as a whole isn't real. yes, the delusion i am experiencing may not be real but it doesn't negate the illness as a whole. if you are unable to separate those 2 things then i lack the ability at this moment to explain it further.
overall i avoid talking to people these days because of a combination of not wanting to include them in what i'm going through mentally and because i don't want to deal with whatever path their comments might send me down. i don't care if people disagree with me. i really don't care if people want to deny the entire existence of what i deal with. i wish i had that same convenience. i envy their ignorance. i was 21 when i got diagnosed and after lots of therapy realized it was probably around 19 when i really started having a lot of the issues that lead me to my first hospitalization. i don't have the energy to force myself to "reel it in" every time someone makes an ignorant comment about "crazy people" or essentially accuses me of making shit up because it's so far outside of what they deal with every day. or they pick one little relatable thing about something i said, most likely the only part of what i said they actually listened to and then accuse me of blowing things out of proportion.
try going from a seemingly coherent thought to looking at a candy wrapper on the floor while your brain processes it as a plastic toy sculpture of an ice cream sundae. you stare at it while the chemicals in your body go haywire leading you to question if everything you've ever known is wrong. you know what you're looking at yet your mind and the chemicals your body is producing are telling you you're completely fucking wrong. an idiot. this is a toy ice cream sundae. does this sound ridiculous? does this sound fucking stupid? because it is. does this seem like a productive thing to experience? this is one of thousands of examples i could provide to you. imagine having to convince yourself you're both right and wrong over something so goddamn stupid yet this is what your brain has chosen to do.
i use the candy wrapper/ice cream sundae experience as my go-to when referencing my illness. it's silly and it lasted about 5 minutes. i had to have my friend come look at the wrapper and tell me that it was indeed what it was. i already knew this but my brain went so berserk with "what if" and "no you're wrong" that something as meaningless as a candy wrapper (or a plastic ice cream sundae) could completely shut down my brain temporarily while i try to grasp the reality of what i'm experiencing.
now imagine this happening to you when the subject matter is more serious. are you even able to? are you stuck on the fact that i just said one time i stared at a candy wrapper on the ground until i wasn't sure if it was a plastic ice cream sundae? i don't get past this part with most people. they smile and go on with their life like i'm some fucking idiot rambling about unassociated objects. nonsensical sequiturs. surely these 2 things have no connection whatsoever and scott is just losing his goddamn mind. yet he somehow isn't? because schizophrenia is just made up?
understanding that part requires a bit of parallel processing. i read up on parallel processing and a lot of it reminds me of the thought processes i go through with schizophrenia symptoms. just without the side effects of the illness. it gave me a lot of insight into what i'm dealing with because i wasted so much of my life wondering what is "real" or not in regards to what i am experiencing. things way more complicated or complex than a candy wrapper and my brain telling me otherwise.
needless to say though it did piss me off. i decided upon reading it that i wasn't even going to bother to argue. this person knew enough of my daily struggles that if they were joking, i don't appreciate it. if they are serious, then that means this person assumes i'm full of shit. i told them i thought that comment was fucked up, whether serious or a joke. i said something to the effect of "it must be nice to be able to not believe in something i deal with regularly" and blocked them. i've dealt with this mindset from other people. one of which was with me the night of my first breakdown and dealt with me over the phone prior to me being involuntarily hospitalized in 2007 and saw the aftermath. i stopped talking to this person in 2023 after they said something to the effect of me having full control over what goes on in my head.
i don't expect my friends to have all the answers. i don't expect that out of doctors. truth be told, i just want to talk. i don't want any answers. i don't think i know everything about my diagnosis but i do feel that i know enough that i can manage it to the best of my ability. i've went through years of therapy, classes, long periods of time on various meds. i'm not trying to say that i've "seen or done it all" but i try my best to convey that i'm not self-diagnosed nor am i someone who uses their illness for sympathy or as an excuse.
there was a time where i was very confused as to what i was dealing with. i've been dealing with it for 17 years now. i recognize patterns in my thoughts and behavior and do my best to be up front about it and work on it. being completely aware of something doesn't automatically give you the power to stop it. i've gone into situations giving myself positive affirmation and keeping the best mindset possible and still had it end up in a complete trainwreck due to some unforeseen thing sending my thought process elsewhere. i realize how vague this all sounds and that's because i'm thinking of around 10 different experiences this applies to and i know there are several more. i'm exhausted by other people but that's because i go into every situation already exhausted with myself. people's frustration toward me when i explain how i feel heavily mirrors what i feel like i'm already going through.
denying the existence of such a disease is something i fail to wrap my head around. i don't think the schizophrenia diagnosis (2007) or schizoaffective bipolar type diagnosis (2014) completely define who i am. if that's all you take from what i say then i feel you've missed the point entirely. the person with the diagnosis inherently believes things are happening that clearly aren't. it's fucked up to then tell that person that what they are experiencing as a whole isn't real. yes, the delusion i am experiencing may not be real but it doesn't negate the illness as a whole. if you are unable to separate those 2 things then i lack the ability at this moment to explain it further.
overall i avoid talking to people these days because of a combination of not wanting to include them in what i'm going through mentally and because i don't want to deal with whatever path their comments might send me down. i don't care if people disagree with me. i really don't care if people want to deny the entire existence of what i deal with. i wish i had that same convenience. i envy their ignorance. i was 21 when i got diagnosed and after lots of therapy realized it was probably around 19 when i really started having a lot of the issues that lead me to my first hospitalization. i don't have the energy to force myself to "reel it in" every time someone makes an ignorant comment about "crazy people" or essentially accuses me of making shit up because it's so far outside of what they deal with every day. or they pick one little relatable thing about something i said, most likely the only part of what i said they actually listened to and then accuse me of blowing things out of proportion.
try going from a seemingly coherent thought to looking at a candy wrapper on the floor while your brain processes it as a plastic toy sculpture of an ice cream sundae. you stare at it while the chemicals in your body go haywire leading you to question if everything you've ever known is wrong. you know what you're looking at yet your mind and the chemicals your body is producing are telling you you're completely fucking wrong. an idiot. this is a toy ice cream sundae. does this sound ridiculous? does this sound fucking stupid? because it is. does this seem like a productive thing to experience? this is one of thousands of examples i could provide to you. imagine having to convince yourself you're both right and wrong over something so goddamn stupid yet this is what your brain has chosen to do.
i use the candy wrapper/ice cream sundae experience as my go-to when referencing my illness. it's silly and it lasted about 5 minutes. i had to have my friend come look at the wrapper and tell me that it was indeed what it was. i already knew this but my brain went so berserk with "what if" and "no you're wrong" that something as meaningless as a candy wrapper (or a plastic ice cream sundae) could completely shut down my brain temporarily while i try to grasp the reality of what i'm experiencing.
now imagine this happening to you when the subject matter is more serious. are you even able to? are you stuck on the fact that i just said one time i stared at a candy wrapper on the ground until i wasn't sure if it was a plastic ice cream sundae? i don't get past this part with most people. they smile and go on with their life like i'm some fucking idiot rambling about unassociated objects. nonsensical sequiturs. surely these 2 things have no connection whatsoever and scott is just losing his goddamn mind. yet he somehow isn't? because schizophrenia is just made up?
understanding that part requires a bit of parallel processing. i read up on parallel processing and a lot of it reminds me of the thought processes i go through with schizophrenia symptoms. just without the side effects of the illness. it gave me a lot of insight into what i'm dealing with because i wasted so much of my life wondering what is "real" or not in regards to what i am experiencing. things way more complicated or complex than a candy wrapper and my brain telling me otherwise.
