it's been an interesting year. not a huge amount has changed since my last post but at some point i became okay with admitting 2022 was probably the worst year of my life and definitely within the top 3. i've been living alone for 8 months now and it's been interesting for my mental health. in so many ways i am better than ever and in other ways i am worse off. i enjoy not feeling co-dependent. sometimes i miss the idea of a relationship but for the most part i value my independence over anything and am not willing to trade it. i did comedy once in march on my birthday weekend and haven't since. i went to a couple comedy shows after that to run sound and record the shows and they both felt like torture to sit through. i am so tired of listening to stand-up comedy that i legitimately considered going to all 3 shows this year with headphones on but didn't want to be that much of a dickhead. in june i started unfriending and unfollowing several comedians. i don't have the mental capacity to read about comedy, view flyers, etc. i just don't care.
a few years back i debated on quitting and i wrote a post referencing how opening for the jackass crew was a legitimate dream come true. meeting everyone i got to meet was such a treat for the 2008-2010 version of me. the version of me that got to experience it though, felt nothing. i had an excellent set that night. the 2 people who opened with me have complimented that set to me on several occasions over the years since then. i remember doing my set and going back to the green room and sitting there just wanting to leave. i would have left but i left my stool on stage. so i sat back there the remainder of the show with horrible anxiety just wanting to grab my stool and leave. i left without even seeking out my pay and went home and felt empty. i should have felt elated. it's hard for me to describe but it's like the better i do or the more i accomplish when it comes to comedy, the more empty i feel. when i've talked to other comedians about this i get a blank stare.
april 2021 i was able to accomplish my last comedy goal. i wanted to come up with a dance routine and perform it on stage. i'd came up with the concept back in 2013 and after showing what i had to a friend, they gave me some helpful yet discouraging advice of "it would be funnier if you could actually dance" and it sucked to hear but he was right. flash forward to april 2021 and i had learned to dance decent enough that the bit worked. i got woos from female audience members and applause and laughter exactly how i'd hoped. everything went about as perfect as a live performance could go except the song got cut short. if it was going to cut out though, it happened at the perfect spot and i was able to improvise without it seeming like there was an issue. i wasn't upset about it happening although i wasn't thrilled either. however...
i'd had this goal longer than i even had the goal of recording a comedy album. the song and dance itself had changed since 2013 but my desire to pull it off only increased over the years. i prepped harder for this dance then i did any of my album recordings. my first album recording (full story in a future post) went well performance-wise but the recording itself got messed up halfway through. matt drufke hosted that night and also was the one to set up the recording that would ultimately become my album and was also the one running sound the night i debuted my dance routine. i remember matt telling me after the whole debacle with my first recording that i was handling it well and should have been more upset toward the person who screwed up the recording. i couldn't justify being pissed off about something that person didn't have much control over. the night of my dance routine debut matt was running the soundboard and was unsure how he managed to cut my song off early. the first thing that popped in my head was him insisting i should have been more upset about my recording. i was very bummed, don't get me wrong, but definitely not mad. the irony of it all hit me instantly though.
i feel like i've done everything i've wanted to do when it comes to comedy. i've paid bills from shows i've produced and been booked on. i've recorded an album while headlining a comedy festival. i got to dance to charli xcx while people cheered me on. i never started comedy with the intention of becoming famous and the very tiny amount of "local celebrity" fame i've achieved is legitimately too much for me at times. my cousin has a regular customer at her gas station that mentioned going to a comedy show one weekend. she mentioned that i do comedy and said my name and the guy didn't believe her and wanted her to call me and have me come there in person. he acted like she said her cousin was jerry seinfeld or some shit. claimed he listens to my album all the time. to a normal person that would feel amazing and for me i just feel weird about it. the first time i was ever recognized for being a comedian was by a police officer while i was handcuffed to a bench after getting arrested. that felt way better than someone acting like i'm the real deal. my mindset is fucked and i've been consistently trying to better it, especially the last 3 years, and the cynicality is relentless.
i'll ramble more later. it's cathartic.
a few years back i debated on quitting and i wrote a post referencing how opening for the jackass crew was a legitimate dream come true. meeting everyone i got to meet was such a treat for the 2008-2010 version of me. the version of me that got to experience it though, felt nothing. i had an excellent set that night. the 2 people who opened with me have complimented that set to me on several occasions over the years since then. i remember doing my set and going back to the green room and sitting there just wanting to leave. i would have left but i left my stool on stage. so i sat back there the remainder of the show with horrible anxiety just wanting to grab my stool and leave. i left without even seeking out my pay and went home and felt empty. i should have felt elated. it's hard for me to describe but it's like the better i do or the more i accomplish when it comes to comedy, the more empty i feel. when i've talked to other comedians about this i get a blank stare.
april 2021 i was able to accomplish my last comedy goal. i wanted to come up with a dance routine and perform it on stage. i'd came up with the concept back in 2013 and after showing what i had to a friend, they gave me some helpful yet discouraging advice of "it would be funnier if you could actually dance" and it sucked to hear but he was right. flash forward to april 2021 and i had learned to dance decent enough that the bit worked. i got woos from female audience members and applause and laughter exactly how i'd hoped. everything went about as perfect as a live performance could go except the song got cut short. if it was going to cut out though, it happened at the perfect spot and i was able to improvise without it seeming like there was an issue. i wasn't upset about it happening although i wasn't thrilled either. however...
i'd had this goal longer than i even had the goal of recording a comedy album. the song and dance itself had changed since 2013 but my desire to pull it off only increased over the years. i prepped harder for this dance then i did any of my album recordings. my first album recording (full story in a future post) went well performance-wise but the recording itself got messed up halfway through. matt drufke hosted that night and also was the one to set up the recording that would ultimately become my album and was also the one running sound the night i debuted my dance routine. i remember matt telling me after the whole debacle with my first recording that i was handling it well and should have been more upset toward the person who screwed up the recording. i couldn't justify being pissed off about something that person didn't have much control over. the night of my dance routine debut matt was running the soundboard and was unsure how he managed to cut my song off early. the first thing that popped in my head was him insisting i should have been more upset about my recording. i was very bummed, don't get me wrong, but definitely not mad. the irony of it all hit me instantly though.
i feel like i've done everything i've wanted to do when it comes to comedy. i've paid bills from shows i've produced and been booked on. i've recorded an album while headlining a comedy festival. i got to dance to charli xcx while people cheered me on. i never started comedy with the intention of becoming famous and the very tiny amount of "local celebrity" fame i've achieved is legitimately too much for me at times. my cousin has a regular customer at her gas station that mentioned going to a comedy show one weekend. she mentioned that i do comedy and said my name and the guy didn't believe her and wanted her to call me and have me come there in person. he acted like she said her cousin was jerry seinfeld or some shit. claimed he listens to my album all the time. to a normal person that would feel amazing and for me i just feel weird about it. the first time i was ever recognized for being a comedian was by a police officer while i was handcuffed to a bench after getting arrested. that felt way better than someone acting like i'm the real deal. my mindset is fucked and i've been consistently trying to better it, especially the last 3 years, and the cynicality is relentless.
i'll ramble more later. it's cathartic.
